DD does not mean Damsel in Distress
by HefruMaru
Summary: Edd, all grown up, gets an internship at Stark Industries. Luckily, growing up with the Ed boys has prepared him for Tony's incessant pestering. Edd finds romance, conflict and headaches working with the famed billionaire and when a strange, psychotic man begins to terrorize the tower the BAU is called in.
1. Chapter 1

The white walls beckoned to him, lulling the college intern into a happy sense of familiarity. He tugged at his purple gloves, reveling in the crisp rubber that encased his slender hands. This place was so... clean. Everything shone with stainless steel and white furniture dotted the hallways like spotless snow giving the whole place a feel of winter. It was his first day, and it had been exhilarating to say the least. He'd been ushered about by the head lab assistant, shown this way and that into every section of Stark Industries' massive studio. It was like walking through a dream.

"Hey, uhh, you there!" A voice called to him, starling the poor intern into a fright. He turned quickly, expecting some senior lab-tech to be scolding him for day dreaming. Instead he was face to face with the head of the corporation he idolized.

"Uhh... m-m-m-me?" He stuttered, an annoying habit he'd thought was long gone. He hadn't stuttered since his days in the cul-de-sac. Of course it would return upon meeting Tony Stark himself.

"Yes, you. You look like a … bright...young... man." Tony seemed preoccupied as he looped an arm over the boy's shoulders, in doing so turning him around again and steering him off down the corridor. Edgar found that suddenly, talking at all was too difficult to squeeze past the ridiculous fluttering of excitement and could only stammer something that only slightly resembled 'what, I guess so'. Tony, apparently not really listening, continued to steer him along and took no mind to the obvious confusion.

"I need your help with something. You're the new intern, right? Edgar, just moved here. How are you liking that little studio on 13th?"

"H-how.?"

"Oh, I have my ways." Tony waved it off as though having ways explained why he would have looked into the living accommodations of the student in the first place. "Anyway, as I was saying- you, you sir seem like an intelligent fellow." the billionaire ushered Edgar into an elevator. The stammering increased.

"S-sir! This is-"

"My private elevator, ya. I know. I built it." The man's arm didn't leave Edgar's soulders as he turned them around to face the closing doors. "Right, as I was saying. I need your help with something. Something only you, Edgar – Can I call you Edd? Edgar just seems so... formal."

"Uh... yes?"

"Right, good. So Edd, I have this issue."

The elevator started moving and a slightly bored voice spoke out over the intercom.

"Mr. Stark, is there anywhere in particular you are going or shall we just ride aimlessly?"

"Oh, right. Jarvis, we need floor 219."

Edd blinked. It was all happening so fast. He felt his brain struggling to grasp the entirety of what was going on. Stark wanted him for something. It sounded important. He felt giddy with anticipation, but Tony's flittering attention span was making it difficult to stay as excited.

"M-mr. Stark, is there something you need me for?" He managed to piece together, with minimal stuttering.

"Yes." Was all that was said in response as the doors opened again. Edd stood, blinking in confusion, as the scene before him unrolled. There were four of the most beautiful women the intern had ever laid eyes on. Each was standing equal distance apart on a raised platform in the center of a triangular shaped room. They all wore matching uniforms of short white shorts and a white sports bra. Nothing else. The first was a blonde, her piercing blue eyes called focus set in an ivory face. Next to her was a brunette, her arms were folded under her modest bust. After that was a raven haired beauty, her green eyes smoldering. Then a girl with fiery red hair stood with her head tilted. Each had the same hair style, long with bangs cut to one side, partially covering a left eye.

Stark didn't give the intern more than ten seconds to take in the sight before him before leading him from the elevator and into the room proper. Edd blinked and coughed nervously as they all stood, the two men staring across at the women.

"Now then, to the matter at hand." Tony steered Edgar over to a counter set in the right wall of the triangle and with his free hand gestured to take in five bowls all containing different substances.

"I need you to tell me which one is the most delicious thing you've ever put in your mouth." The joking tone was not lost on Edd but Stark's face portrayed a seriousness that belayed the entire scene.

"W... wait... what?" This was just too much. It was a prank. It had to be. There was some test he was missing from this, some deeper purpose. He had been told that Tony Stark was eccentric but this was just too much.

"You're telling me, you selected me- personally- out of a hundred other interns in this tower, to judge a baking contest between you and the four heads of your bio-division?" His voice squeaked, something else his stupid vocal chords did just to annoy him. It had brought him nothing but grief over the years but right now it just added to his obvious confusion. Tony seemed to actually think about what had just been told to him.

"Well... yes." His tone suggested that he didn't see anything wrong with the current situation. Edd couldn't help himself. He dropped his forehead into one purple-gloved palm.

"Mr. Stark, I was told you were … odd but this really takes the cake."

"Actually that is tiramisu, I believe." The billionaire dipped a finger into one of the five dishes on the counter. Edd glanced at it for a moment between his fingers.

"No. Genoise. Tiramisu is white, not yellow on account of the whole egg being used."

There was a long pause during which Tony just stared, finger still in his mouth. Feeling uncomfortable with the lasting, studious look of his idol, Edd shifted slightly. Tony broke into a huge grin.  
"Léa, tu me dois 38 euros." He snapped and pointed at the blonde. She waved her arms at him and spoke in an indignant tone.

"Merde, Stark. Je plaisantais!"

"Je ne plaisante jamais avec quelque chose d'aussi amusant." Tony grinned mischievously. The blonde huffed and folded her arms in a pout. Edgar looked up and frowned at Stark.

"Voulez-vous me dire ce que c'est vraiment?" He spoke quickly, and with more confidence. French was one of his favorite languages. Tony laughed and pointed at the brunette.

"Ha! Und du schuldest mir 80 euro!" Tony's german was slightly better than his french. The brunette simply stuck her tongue out. Edd tapped his foot impatiently.

"Ernsthaft, Stark. Скажите мне, что это действительно о? Soretomo, tada taikutsudesu ka?"

There was an even longer pause as all of the women looked impressed for a moment. Edd took no notice. He was serious about his work. Serious about the internship he'd fought tooth and nail for. Serious about the work he wanted to do. He'd passed up an internship to Wayne Industries for the chance to work for his childhood idol, Tony Stark. Now he was starting to wonder just what kind of man Stark was.

The billionaire playboy split into a grin and slapped Edd on the back.

"I was told you were smart but you've outdone yourself Double D!"

Edd winced at his old nick name more than the stern hand on his shoulder, cursing under his breath at the two who'd given it to him all those years ago.

"You just passed my interview process." The words were almost lost on Edd as he continued muttering. "Congratulations, Edgar, you're my new head of international communications."

"... right." Edd turned, walking back towards the elevator. Tony looked baffled and followed after him quickly.

"Wait, where are you going?" The eccentric businessmen man sounded like a child who was told he couldn't go outside to play. Edd rounded on him.

"I don't appreciate being jerked around, Mr. Stark. I worked really hard to get myself here, and I don't appreciate you mocking me like this."

Baffled turned to just plain stumped.

"But-"

"No! You can't seriously be giving me that position, I'm nothing but an intern- this is my first day for pete's sake!" Edd mentally cursed his squeaky voice but continued on, flailing his arms. "If you have nothing better to do than yank my chain for your amusement I'll be leaving now." He turned on his heel and stamped inside, folding his arms tightly across his chest. "Good day." He barked as the doors closed in the face of a very confused Tony Stark.

The elevator didn't move but Edgar didn't notice. He paced in the small space, muttering to himself – another bad habit of his. After a time the voice of Jarvis came across the intercom.

"Mr. Edd, would you like to be taken to your floor now?"

Edd stopped moving and muttering, pausing mid-step in his agitated pacing.

"... my... floor?" He squeaked, glancing upwards as though addressing the invisible man.

"Yes, sir. International Communications floor 302. Your office is in suite B, your living quarters are suite A. Your labs are located on the floor above that, your staff is currently being informed of your acquisition of the head of department."

Speechless, Edd suddenly felt as though his legs were made of jelly. He sank to his knees, mouth gaping like a fish.

"Or perhaps you would like me to open the doors so you can thank Mr. Stark. He is still unsure of your previous outburst."

Edd nodded dumbly. Well, hopefully Tony was as forgiving as he was crazy.

-Translations are run through Google Translate as I don't speak french, russian or german. If they are incorrect, I apologize ^_^;; the translated phrases are listed below, in the same order as above

"Lea, you owe me 38euro."  
"Damnit, Stark. I was joking."  
"I never joke about something amusing."  
"Would you tell me what's really going on?"  
"Ha! And you owe me 80 euro."  
"Seriously, Stark. Tell me what is really going on here. Or are you seriously that bored?" -


	2. Chapter 2

"How's that translator coming?" The voice of his idol, a charming, charismatic note that had once left Edd feeling elated now only served to grate on his nerves like a younger sibling. He knew without turning that Tony was leaning on the edge of his desk, that cocky grin splitting his face as he tilted his head, waiting for the head of department to give him a full report.

A report he'd given three times already that day.

"Nothing new to report, sir." The exasperated reply was called over his shoulder. The translator program was open on the three-screen computer that sprawled out across the desk and the hardware was naked on the elongated window sill that served as Edgar's workbench. He fiddled with the tiny screw driver in his hand, trying to focus on the project at hand. It was a overlaying project he'd undertaken the first day he became head of department three weeks prior. Stark had been thrilled with the ideas that came pouring from Edgar and encouraged him to act upon them. The current hardware he was working on was one of three parts to a larger whole and once finished, the entire set up would be complete.

"Your patience is almost alarmingly inexhaustible." Another voice spoke from behind Tony, this one had a more flat tone and was unfamiliar to Edd. A small smile tugged at the intern's lips.

"Well, yes. I have had years of practice." He thought fondly to the years in the cul-de-sac, fiddling with some little invention while Eddy pranced around him yammering on about jawbreakers and girls and money, eager to get on with their get-rich-quick scam. Eddy and Ed had been a million times more unnerving than Mr. Stark. And besides that, the pay-roll kept him more than happy enough to dance about to the playboy's every little whim.

"Oh, Banner, you have no idea. He's like a Buddhist monk... Actually I think I could get a monk angry easier than I can ruffle this one's feathers." The two men chuckled as Edd continued fiddling with the tweezers and other tiny tools.

"I should be done with this tomorrow, Mr. Stark." He said without looking behind him. He heard Tony shift slightly and presumed he was turning without actually taking his elbow off the table.

"You know, Banner, this kid made a lie detector out of a toaster when he was twelve?"

Edd snorted slightly, remembering how long it took him to perfect that little gem.

"Hardly. Though, I did manage to get some accurate readings off of it once I figured out the wiring... and I had to buy my mom a new toaster..." A thought occurred. Setting down the tiny screwdriver, the intern swiveled to face the two men.

"How did you..." The words died on his lips as he took in the visage of the most renown nuclear physicist of the century. Banner... Bruce Banner. Of course Tony Stark would be buddy-buddy with some one as ridiculously famous as Bruce Banner. The two of them were Edd's biggest influences in the scientific world. He mumbled something under his breath about good karma for all those puppies he rescued and all the quarters he'd given to homeless men. The two men looked at him for a moment and Tony turned to Bruce with a lopsided grin.

"Told you he was amusing. Hear the little mumblings? It happens all day long, you should see him when he gets mad. It's actually quite adorable." Stark stood suddenly, gesturing from Edgar to Bruce.

"Bruce, this is Edgar my newest head of International Communications Department and soon to be the developer of a nifty little ear piece that will automatically translate any known language into your native language in as much real time as grammar will allow. " The billionaire grinned with the pride of a child showing off his super special awesome dog's newest trick. Edd rolled his eyes. Usually the billionaire playboy was rude, and irritatingly antagonistic but his already erratic behavior had taken a sudden flop towards just plain pathetic, and the man was prone to a sort of 'failure' in his narcissistic asshole-ery. It had begun happening the past couple days, and somewhere in the back of Edd's mind he made a mental note to continue to study this. This recent weirdness aside, his shyness in the face of Tony's fame had long since died off, leaving Edd with the same easy sarcasm he used to deal with Eddy.

"Mr. Stark if you keep calling me adorable people will start talking." He stood smoothly, pulling on the prim cuff of his white lab coat- which he had insisted on wearing over the stupidly high priced shirts Tony had bought for him, claiming that the head of department should be the best dressed. He extended a hand to Banner, his nervous smile edging the confidence that he'd managed to paint onto his features. "It's an honor to meet you, Mr. Banner."

"Oh please, just... just Bruce is fine, really." The lazy drawl of the scientist was soothing, making Edd feel more at ease and the gentle but firm grip was comforting. "Tony has been telling me about your program, sounds pretty revolutionary." Edd straightened, not being able to help the grin that spread across his face. He was proud of himself and of course, having his two idols gushing about his ideas was enough to blow his ego into monumental proportions.

"Would you like to see it work?" He lifted a microphone to Bruce, offering the business end then turned to the computer and tapped a few keys. Though the computers here were all touch-screen and the process of working the information was basically like finger painting, very tactile, he still preferred using keyboards and key stroke short cuts. The middle screen went blank for a moment then a straight, horizontal line strode across half way down the screen. The bright green line worked it's way across and became continuous, like an ekg monitor. The screen to the right filled with a long list of languages, each written in their own language and the left screen went blank.

"It's set up currently to assume the wearer of the equipment is an American speaking English. Speak any language you want into that." He indicated the small receiver in Banner's hand.

Bruce lofted a brow and said something in Arabic. As soon as he began speaking, the center screen pinged like a heartbeat and the languages on the right began blinking then disappearing as the program ran a process of elimination based on the inflection and pronunciation. Halfway through his sentence the third screen typed up the words in English, and the speakers Edd had hooked up spoke in English, in Banner's voice.

"Are the graphics really necessary?" was spoken followed by, "Wow, that's pretty impressive." The words were only a few seconds delayed from the Arabic spoken by Bruce. Edd nodded, running a hand through his hair.

"Yes, the graphics are rather unnecessary however they help with the presentation of the product." He tapped a few things on the keyboard and brought up the blueprints of the original design.

"I have Phenias compiling a program that runs idioms, slang and misspoken words into the most accurate translation." He squirmed slightly, feeling awkward that he was instructing other people to do his work, but he did have an entire department needing something to do. Delegating was proving difficult to grow accustomed to but his crew were all eager to work with him and willing to take initiative, making his job as their boss far easier. Bruce nodded in approval, looking around the desktop and seeming to take in the program that was on the screen.

Tony walked around the desk and slapped Edd on the shoulder.

"See, told you I knew how to pick'em. And Blossom is doing well in my weapons development division, in case you were wondering." He glanced at Edgar to see his reaction to this. Edd ignored him, mostly due to the uncertainty if the comment was directed at Banner or himself. Also on account of his last interaction with Blossom. The girl was smart, intimidating, and on the whole-over bearing. When he had been younger, Edd had found that sort of thing attractive, but after years of abusive relationships he now shied away from a prominent woman.

Not to mention the fact they'd dated in highschool. That had been an awkward introduction oversee by the one billionaire playboy philanthropist who should never attend such a reunion. Edd decided to change the subject.

"How'd you know about the toaster thing, anyway?" The intern glanced over at Tony, keeping his peripherals on Bruce as the physicist prodded various things on his desk. Stark laughed and slapped his back once more.

"I met your room mate in the Lobby yesterday and we had … coffee... and spoke about various... different … things, you know, just trying to learn more about my employees." The far-off dreamy look told Edgar that Marie had probably shown Mr. Stark her automobile collection featuring many classics the billionaire was sure to enjoy. Not to mention the fact that Marie looked quite stunning in a jumpsuit.

"Yes, well, don't believe everything you hear." Edd rubbed his neck nervously, hoping that Marie hadn't blabbed too much about their own relationship.

"Oh yea, she told me." The knowing tone behind Stark's words threw the intern for a loop and he wondered if he'd been mumbling again.

Marie and himself had dated a bit in high school and into the first few years of college and even moved in together. After several years of being together, they had slowly drifted into a more casual friendship and finally, officially, stopped dating one night after a surprisingly blunt conversation. They had been sitting on the couch, watching How I Met Your Mother when Marie, without even turning to him spoke as lightly as though discussing the weather.

"You're gay, aren't you, Edd?" It had actually taken Edgar a moment to process the words that had been said. After a swig of soda he nodded slightly.

"Yea. Pretty sure." And with that, they remained friends and later in the year moved into a two bedroom apartment and began dating other people. Well, Marie dated other people, Edd never seemed to be able to find the time. The blue haired girl gave him hell about it from time to time, but it was all in good fun.

That was a year ago, and Edd still hadn't told anyone else. Eddy, Ed and even his own parents were none the wiser. Except now, of all people, Tony Stark was privy to the knowledge.

Edd nodded slightly.

"Fair enough." He fought to play it all off as though it didn't bother him. Homosexuality was so common now a days it seemed silly to be as secretive as he was.

"And that's why I want to go drinking with you! Grab your keys, Bruce, you coming buddy?" Stark strolled away towards the door and Edd sputtered.

"Wh-a- wait. What?" He blinked stupidly at the wolfish grin on Tony's face.

"Anyone who can't hold their liquor it too fun to pass up." Was the cool reply before Mr. Stark rolled off the door frame and into the hall. Edd gave a heavy sigh and silently thanked Marie for having more tact than he gave her credit for. Drinking was a terrible idea, but he decided it wasn't worth arguing. Bruce laughed and shook his head slightly.

"Always the party." The quiet man said softly, bitterly. Double D gave a short barking laugh before taking off his lab coat and hanging it on the chair.

"I never liked parties." Was all the intern said before walking out after the two men.


	3. Chapter 3

The bar was crowded, loud, and messy any one of which was enough to put Edd into a nervous slew of curse words and mutterings but the three together threatened to tip him into madness. He'd been in a bar before- once. Mae had insisted upon drinking for his twenty first. The experience was mostly a blur followed by a black out period during which he had apparently recited the first thirty minutes of Star Wars (with 'startling accurate' mimics of the female characters) and professed his undying love to the large mannequin of Captain America that adorned the entry way to the bar, the lamp in his living room, and the bathroom sink. It was all very embarrassing and, of course, had been caught on Mae's cell phone camera. Ever since the nasty experience, he'd avoided alcohol and any place that served mostly that.

He sat now, stiffly holding a glass full of some mixture of alcohol and listening to Tony babble on to the small gaggle of women that had swarmed the table in moment they'd taken residence. Bruce and himself were quietly exchanging looks of shared annoyance and rolled eyes at each other as the billionaire rambled on to the women. He was contemplating the possibility of sneaking out, perhaps under the guise of visiting the mens' room, when a slur of commotion near the door caught his attention.

The swirl of motion had been the sudden shift in people as five women broke off from their friends to rush the two men who were coming through the door. Cooes and giggles added to the flurry of color and skin as they all clamored for attention.

"Mr. Archer!" They called, swooning like school girls. The tall, dark haired man seemed delighted by the welcome and soon had a girl on each arm as he sauntered towards the back. Beside him was a very irritated looking blonde man, rolling his eyes in frustration and embarrassment. The girls didn't seem to take much notice of the other man who, it would seem, was just fine with that. The men made their way through the bar and, as they neared, Edd's breath caught.

The blonde was none other than Steve Rogers. He'd seen the soldier at Stark Towers on a few occasions, but had never had the courage to openly stare at him, let alone venture towards a conversation. The buff super soldier was the stuff of legend, a national hero, and not to mention the most beautiful man Edd had ever laid eyes on. He'd swooned at first sight and only tumbled harder into the stone cold wall of infatuation when he discovered who the dreamy light haired man actually was. And now, this walking sex machine was walking straight for their table.

"Tony, I still don't understand why I should have to put up with this man." Rogers gestured towards the man at his right who had somehow managed to acquire a scotch in each hand on their journey to the table and was loudly whispering at one of the girls. He looked up at Tony and grinned foolishly.

"Stark! Stark you were right! This place is fantastic! The women! And the service..." He laughed obnoxiously, gesturing to the women at his sides. Tony glanced up and laughed.

"I am a billionaire _playboy_ philanthropist, of course I know the best place in town to enjoy the finer things in life, Archer." The man glanced at Steve. "And you aren't supposed to be putting up with him you're supposed to be learning from him. You are standing next to the-"

"Worlds _greatest_ spy," Archer chimed in, loudly proclaiming his title to the entire bar, though Edd got the feeling it was more meant towards the women. "That's right, I am the worlds greatest spy, known throughout the world for being deadly. And you," He pointed at Rogers, scotch sloshing. "Are nothing but a soldier who is supposed to be training for something more epic than running into a group of men swinging your weapons around like an idiot and almost losing the entire second world war because you are too noble to let a few men die." Tony blinked for a moment then gestured at Archer.

"What he said."

Rogers glowered at the two men and sat heavily into the booth next to a very startled Edd who struggled to keep a hold of his glass. Deciding the soldier wasn't going to answer them, the two drunks across the table turned towards each other and rambled off about various different reasons they were awesome. Edd mumbled something to himself about birds of a feather being just as obnoxious and loud together and chugged his drink in an attempt to calm his nerves. Beside him, Steve laughed.

"That's a good point. I've found it best to ignore the stupid birds and hope they fly into a building." Edward managed a small squeal as he realized Steve was actually listening to his mutterings. He was suddenly aware of how close they were sitting.

"Hey I've seen you around the Tower before, right? You work there?" Steve turned, pointedly ignoring as Archer began regaling Tony with the blonde's failings in the simulations earlier that day, and seemed to focus on Edd as a way of not engaging the drunken men. Double D squeaked and nodded rapidly.

"I am head of the international communications department, but really I've only been working for Stark Industries for three weeks, I'm actually only an intern, still technically going to school, but Tony hired me for this job on my first day, still not actually sure why-" He bit down on his tongue to stem the flow of words that tumbled from his mouth. Steve laughed warmly.

"Yea, sounds like something Tony would do." The comment didn't hold any malice in it, just a sort of defeat. "He's nothing like his father. Though I can't tell if it's for better or for worse." Edd felt as though this was not actually a conversation, just musings voice aloud and decided not to answer. He instead grabbed the attention of a waitress and ordered two more drinks. The two men sat quietly, listening to the men across from them boast about crazy sexual exploits while the women swooned.

"S-so, uh, you, uh, have any h-hobbies?" Edd asked clumsily. He cursed his inability to make small talk, which was only made more painfully clear when he actually _wanted_ to make small talk. Steve glanced at him.

"I ….. not really. I train, and wait for assignments. Though I just got a TV in my apartment, and internet..." The confusion on his face told Edd he still didn't understand the concept of the internet and all it entailed. Double D chuckled.

"The internet can be a wonderful, and dangerous thing." He said knowingly. The waitress brought the drinks ordered and Edd handed one to Rogers who politely declined. Shrugging and feeling it the best thing to calm his nerves, the boy drank both within minutes as Steve went on to complain about the teenagers on youtube and the improper use of guns in the media. Edd nodded and commented here and there, becoming more talkative as the alcohol took affect. He ordered another drink, and downed it when it came.

The world began to tilt and twirl. He found himself unable to take his eyes off Rogers, drinking in the closeness of the other man and revealing in the feeling where their thighs made the slightest contact. The corners of his vision seemed to blur. He found himself saying things that moments later he would blush at the fact he'd said them, then blink in confusion as he realized he hadn't actually said them.

Edd sat up with a groan, peeling his face off the pillow slick with drool. He looked down at the plaid fabric of the pillow case in complete and utter confusion. His pillows were white, not plaid. He moved to sit up and immediately regretted the act as he found himself on the edge of his bed. Arms flailed as he tried to remain on the bed but soon thumped heavily to the floor. The white ceiling stared blankly back at him. His ceiling was black, not white. He tilted his head to look back at his bed. Not his bed, but the couch he'd been laying on and fallen off of. He was not in his apartment. The hungover man stood clumsily, fumbling with the coffee table to haul himself to his feet. The sparsely decorated apartment was lighted only by the sun seeping through the curtains. A door was open to his left and through it he could hear panting. Curious, he edged forward to the threshold and peered in past the neatly made bed. On the other side, Steve Rogers was in shorts and a white tank top, doing push ups. Edd blinked stupidly and promptly decided he had hit his head harder than he though and was now in a coma. Or, more probable even, he had died and gone to heaven. He watched in awed silence as the chiseled hunk of man before him continued to press out the perfectly executed show of psychical prowess. Edd watched and, to him it seemed the man was pushing the world with every stroke. His legs turned to jelly and his stomach fluttered stupidly. He wandered back to the couch to sit before his legs completely failed him. He would rather have stood there watching all day but his rapidly rising mast made him suddenly very conscious of the implications of the situation he'd found himself in. He sat heavily, wrapping the blanket that was on the couch around his shoulders, trying to hide the tent he was pitching.

"Curses." He muttered under his breath. He sat there a moment In silent, hungover dread then did a quick scan of the room. The entire apartment was immaculately clean, a feat worthy of recognition as Edd only knew himself to keep such tidy quarters. His own possessions – phone, hat, wallet and tie – were folded and stacked neatly at the foot of the couch. He wondered briefly if this had been Rogers' doing but quickly dismissed this notion. Even intoxicated, Edd knew his obsessive compulsions to clean were unhindered. He blushed with embarrassment as he realized the state of the apartment might have been his doing.

A grunt sounded from the bedroom as Rogers nosily began a set of jumping jacks. Edgar dropped his face into his palm as he forcibly resisted the urge to go watch. He glanced around and the blinking light on his phone caught his attention. He shifted and scooped the wide-screened device into his hand, righting himself and fumbling in an attempt to keep the blanket wrapped around him while flicking a thumb across the screen. A message blinked into light next to a tiny image of iron man and his embarrassed dread was replaced with irritation.

-hey sock-head, school crush much?-

Of course, in his inebriated state Edd had probably pulled his old hat on, a nervous habit that slipped out when he wasn't paying attention to it. Stark had no doubt heard Mae call him that at some point and logged it away for such an occasion. The billionaire genius had a knack for finding the correct buttons to push at the correct time to be more of an annoyance than should be humanly possible. The message was just the first of many that spilled onto his screen as he navigated to the conversation view. Questions of the 'games' taking place and the progress of 'manual labor after hours' all insinuating something more than innocent fun. He muttered something about stupid frat boys and shoved the phone into his pocket. A moment later, Rogers emerged from the bedroom, a towel around his neck. He was slick with sweat, it poured down his temples and plastered his fair hair to his forehead; beads of it glistened on his sculpted arms like badges of honor. The calm, warm grin that split across the man's face sent Double D's heart fluttering into his throat. Suddenly, he wondered what actually happened last night. A fleeting thought of the unspeakable darted across his thoughts, sending a flush across his cheeks with the idea of it. Though, would that have really been so bad?

"Morning, sleepy head." Steve said cheerfully, still out of breath. The heavy words sent Edd's stomach into a twitching fit of arousal. He pulled the blanket tighter around his midsection.

"G-good morning." The smaller man stuttered, flashing a smile back as best he could. Rogers looked around at his own apartment and chuckled.

"It's an amazing thing to see someone so drunk they couldn't recall their own address clean an apartment and rewire the internet connection with such ease. You really did me a big favor, Edgar." The color staining Edd's cheeks deepened. No one called him Edgar. He had never liked the name, but somehow Rogers managed to make it sound like the most wonderful name in the world. Or perhaps it was just the smile that followed, the kind of teeth-showing grin that melted Edd to the core. He laughed nervously.

"Not a problem, Mr. Rogers." He sat a bit straighter, genuinely pleased by the praise given to him. Steve laughed again and started waking across the living room to the bathroom.

"Please, call me Captain," He glanced at Edd with a beaming grin. "You seemed really happy calling me that last night. I'm going to get washed up, I'll take you home afterward." And with that, he left a very confused Edd as he shut the door. Double D blinked stupidly. His boyish feelings coaxed him to see something more in that grin then he was sure was actually there. A sort of private joke. He squeaked and clutched at the blanket more as he wondered more seriously if something had... happened. Rogers seemed so... innocent, nearly ignorant to the fact that sex existed let alone participated in it- let alone participated in it with a man. Edd banished the thought once more, shaking his head in a feeble attempt to physical shake the notion from his mind.

"I hate Stark. I hate him." He mumbled this continuously under his breath, reasoning that this was all that man's fault somehow. He fumbled for his phone again and remotely accessed his desktop to check into the progress of various pieces of his projects- filling his thoughts with work to keep his imagination from running wild.

He had a brief moment of panic when he realized the time. Usually, he would have been at work three hours ago. Phenias had sent him several concerned emails asking if he was alright, as had a few of his other team members. Mae had sent him a few text messages hinting at much the same that Stark had been hinting at. Though the evidence was slightly in favor of the dirty deed having taken place, something told him the couch would not have been the finishing point of his night had that been the case. The sound of running water pulled at his attention, his imagination running rampant despite his efforts to direct it elsewhere.

Over the muffled sounds of running water, Edd could hear a voice singing. He cocked his head allowing himself to listen more intently to the sounds coming from the bathroom. At first he thought it might have been a radio, but as a few of the notes were skewed with badly toned enthusiasm, he realized it was in fact the Captain. He was belting out "American Idiot" by Greenday. Somehow the whole image of Rogers, eyes scrunched shut rubbing a bar of soap across his soaking body while shamelessly serenading the shower head, was all to easy to imagine. The heat rose to Edd's face has he let that image float behind his eyes a bit longer. But as the heat sank to his midsection, he coughed furiously and stood to walk into the kitchen.

For a one bedroom housing a bachelor the whole apartment was extravagantly furnished with a seemingly unnecessary amount of matching items. The kitchen was tucked into the right corner with an island separating it from the living room a neat row of three bar stools tucked under the marble counter of the island. The dark counters perched atop while cabinets housed several appliances ranging from a toaster, to a food processor and juicer. The living room was large enough to hold the couch, it's back facing the kitchen and door, a love seat pushed against the left wall and a massive TV on the far wall mounted above a dresser of sorts outfitted to hold three different gaming systems and a plethora of DVD and Blu-rays. The whole apartment was a matching color scheme consisting mostly of red and white with accents of blue. It was cute in a patriotic sort of way.

The kitchen was fully stocked, but it seemed to Edgar that only the bags of ramen were being used. With a frown, he investigated further. A bowl sat neatly in the center of the island filled with balls of varying sizes and colors, beside that was a smaller bowl with keys and change – all of the change was stacked withing the bowl. Edd resisted the urge to drop his head into his hand. Stupid OCD.

He pulled out a carton of eggs and set to making brunch- the least he could do after burdening the Captain with his drunken antics. Pieces were starting to come back to him, leaning on the larger man prattling on about his newest enterprises within the communications department and constantly leaning over and telling the Captain how wonderfully muscled he was. Though it was blurry, the embarrassed man remembered even asking to feel Rogers' abs. Whether it had actually happened was unclear.

After a few more solos in the shower, the water turned off. Edd glanced up from the stove as he flipped a pancake before blushing and looking back as he wondered to himself how the blonde would exit the shower. Mae tended to walk to her bedroom naked. A furious blush burned across his face hotter than the smoke rising from the bacon.

"Is that bacon I smell?" The dreamy voice called from the edge of the kitchen. Edd squeaked almost inaudibly before forcing himself to grin as innocently as he could to mask the thoughts pounding in his head.

"Thought I owed it to you, after last night." He stole a look towards Rogers and almost lost his composure. Naked was not the way Steve traveled from shower to room but a towel wrapped about his waist wasn't a terrible style either. Edd thanked whatever God there might be fore his near-perfect photographic memory. The glistening image of freshly washed abs would be engrained in his mind forever. He turned back to his task quickly, almost smacking his head on the microwave above the stove.

"Nonsense, as far as drunks go you have got to be the most pleasant I've ever had to carry up a fight of stairs." Steve laughed as Edd turned to him quickly, a blush breaking out on the nervous intern's face. "You kept hugging to me and thanking me for saving you. It was flattering really." Though it was mean innocently, Edd couldn't help but feel mortified. He was unaware of how feminine he could get while intoxicated. Apparently it turned him into a damsel in need of rescuing.

Ah well, who better to rescue him than the epitome of raw sexiness that paraded around in a spangly outfit.

"Ah yes, my hero." Edgar managed to keep his voice in a joking tone, playing it off as sarcastic. "And my hero deserved pancakes, eggs and bacon." He grinned up at Steve. "An all American breakfast for Captain America." The two of them laughed and Rogers padded off to his room.

After a moment, Edd realized he hadn't heard the door shut.

It took every ounce of will and the knowledge that he wouldn't be able to hide the raging boner it would give him to keep himself from looking over his shoulder.

Goddamn he needed to get laid.

His phone blipped at him, mercifully giving him something else to do while he waited for the bacon to finish. The tiny icon of a chibi iron man blinked into existence next to a message from Stark.

-who's the best boss ever?_ – _

Edd grumbled something about egotistical men in power asking questions they answer themselves.

-who's asking?- he replied.

-only the boss who suggested Cap take you home last night-

After a moment, double D reluctantly responded.

-you are the greatest boss in the history of bosses-

With that, Edd poured the grease into an empty can in the sink and set the island with plates and forks before heaping a plate with pancakes, eggs and bacon and carrying it over to the bedroom. Rogers was dressed, cargo pants and a white t-shirt, standing before a dresser mirror combing his feathery hair. Edd flashed him a grin and handed him the plate.

"Here you are, Captain."

"Thank you, Edgar." As Rogers took the plate from him, Edd blinked stupidly. No one ever called him Edgar. In fact, he usually hated the name. But somehow, from the lips of the gorgeous boy-scout-like man before him, it seemed only right. For the first time, he liked the sound of his own name. He bounced back into the living room and scooped up his own plate, piling it with food then crossing to the couch. Steve joined him, sitting only a few inches away and grabbed the remote.

"Oh wait, that's right." He set the plate down on a rectangular coffee table that he pulled closer with one foot and set the remote onto the dark wood. Edd made a questioning noise around a mouth full of food.

"You programed my TV last night and finagled it to work as voice activated... you explained how it worked but honestly I didn't understand a bit of it." He cleared his throat. "TV, on." He stated clearly. The device blipped on and Rogers clapped happily, amused by the feat of technology before he snatched the remote from the table. "But really, as cool as that is, I think I'll still use this." He gave Edd a bashful sort of look before awkwardly punching in the buttons to find a suitable channel to watch. Somehow that embarrassed look that crossed the blonde's face was just too much. It showed a sort of vulnerability that drove Edd crazy. He nearly choked on a piece of bacon, the coughing fit that ensued fortunately cured him of the stiffness he was starting to feel.

Damn this man and his innocence.


	4. Chapter 4

Edd fumbled as he pressed his thumb to the elevator button, trying desperately to get the grin off his face. The morning had gone by slowly, but he had enjoyed every moment of it. Sitting with Steve, watching cartoons all morning had been relaxing and apart from the fact that his chest ached from his heart thumping so furiously he felt better than he had in a long, long time. Not even the terrifying ride into work on the back of Rogers' motorcycle could stem the joy wriggling into his extremities. Though, having an excuse to cling to the soldier for dear life was worth the scare.

"Have a good night, sir?"

The smugly accented voice of Jarvis chimed over the speaker, jolting Edd out of his meandering thoughts of spangly outfits.

"Y-yes, Jarvis. Thank you."

"Good to hear, sir. Mr. Stark has been asking about you all morning, seems he's eager to proceed with the plans you discussed last night."

Edd blinked stupidly.

"Pla...plans?" He groped into the corners of his memory in an effort to remember enough of the night before to illuminate anything that could have been perceived as plans. His language program wasn't ready to really proceed to beta testing yet, but he vaugely remembered discussing it with Tony.

"Yes, sir. Plans to incorporate your Central Language Intelligence ...'Thingy' onto the system of one of the cleaning bots to better grasp the ability of it's adaptation. "

With a heavy sigh, Edgar pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Tony re-named the chip, didn't he?" If Edd didn't know any better he'd have thought Jarvis was laughing. Damn his boss and the man's ability to be unnerving without even being present. The name "CLIP" had been decided from the onset, as it was easy and Tony had liked the idea of "Clipping" technology. Apparently, alcohol put a perverted spin on things.

"Yes sir."

"Thingy?"

"... I think Mr. Archer actually supplied that particular technical term, sir."

"I see. Jarvis, let me off here." Edd straightened an air of command dusting his words laced with resignation while rubbing his forehead with irritation bordering on anger. He vowed to never drink with his maniac boss ever again. The elevator halted abruptly.

"Are you sure, sir?"Amusement was something Edd never wanted to hear from a computer program.

"Yes, Jarvis, if Tony asks I'm carrying out ….." He heaved a sigh. "I'm installing the CLIT as he requested." With that, the intern stepped lightly off the elevator.

The floor he'd stopped on was barren, plastic covering furniture and most of the walls were unfinished. At times, he forgot most of the building was still being constructed and only a few of the floors were actually occupied. Tugging on the pale green sleeve of his shirt, Edd hurried off down the hall. He wasn't sure exactly what he was doing, but stalling and avoiding came to mind. He was halfway across the lobby area when a squeal ripped through the silence.

Flailing helplessly, Edd dropped to his stomach and covered his head as best he could. It was the only defensive maneuver he knew but it generally kept him safe form any form of danger he'd met so far. He peeked out from under one arm as the squealing took on a more frantic tone. Decidedly swine in nature, the noise was coming from his right in one of the unfinished rooms. As he watched, a green tinted piglet tore through the plastic sheeting and tumbled into the wall across before scrambling to it's feet and taking off down the next hall. In the moment before it was moving again Edd was able to note the wriggling features prominently fixed to the creature's back.

"What the..." Double D sat up slowly, peering after the emerald piglet with tiny wings. Before he could think too much on it, thundering foot steps pulled his attention to the room from which the swine had fled. A large, blatantly naked man bounded over bits of wood and bundles of insulation, yellow gloves covering his hands and goggles pulled across his eyes which were wide and searching frantically. The stranger leapt onto a covered couch and stood in a crouch for a moment, speaking into a recording device in one gloved hand.

"Subject number 43 has exhibited signs of hallucinations, unclear as to the source but my guess would be the insane amount of mushrooms I found growing in the basement yesterday. I must get this one back before it's too late!" With a cry of fervor the man jumped off the couch before pulling a screw driver out of the band of his goggles tucked in with his red hair. Holding the tool like a weapon he screamed a war cry and took off after the piglet.

In the silent moments that followed, Edd stared, blinking stupidly as he tried to piece together what had just happened. Without even so much as a mutter to himself, he stood and plodded back to the elevator, brow furrowed. He stepped into the elevator and scrutinized his reflection in the mirrored box.

"Jarvis?"

"Yes, sir?"

"Do you know who is running around on level 14?"

"... no sir. He is not in my records as an employee, nor is he in any records I can locate in the federal or international data bases."

"... How long has he been here, Jarvis?"

"I honestly don't know sir. This is the first I've seen of him, I'm looking right now to pinpoint his entry to the building."

There was a long pause, Edgar tapped the wall in idle thought.

"Well?"

"Sir, I haven't been able to locate him on any entry cameras as far back as four years ago when the building first opened and the camera feeds were uploaded."

"Any sign of him on any of the cameras after that? Anywhere?"

"Several, sir. I will compile them and send them to your desk top." Edd sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose again.

"Thank you, Jarvis."


	5. Chapter 5

An hour later, Edd sat back in his chair with a shuddering sigh. He wasn't even half way through all the footage Jarvis had compiled of the mystery man that lived in the building. He apparently frequented every floor but seemed to set up "camp" on various unfinished floors, migrating in a completely random pattern. Jarvis had also pulled a list of complaints form employees ranging from inappropriate sexual comments to bouts of memory loss wherein the only thing they remembered was the "casual use of the phrase 'temporary psychosis'" and even to cases of missing food in the break rooms. All of which involved a vague description that matched the man in question. The files had all been dismissed as there was no substantial evidence and no one in the employee records that matched their description. As far as Jarvis had been able to discern, the man –who often referred to himself as a doctor- had entered during the construction of the building four years prior and lived there ever since.

"Subject one three two exhibiting normal reaction to topical application of the drug," The doctor on Edd's screen was speaking into a tape recorder, watching as a man clambered around the piles of lumber like a monkey. Edd growled under his breath.

There was plenty of footage of the man's after-affects but never anything of him taking or injecting his subjects and as far as he could tell, once the drugs wore off it was obvious they were completely harmless. None of the people in the videos showed any sign of side affects physical of otherwise after they were 'set free'. Most seemed to not even remember the experience.

The screen cut to the break room... Edd watched himself walk into the room and pull a yogurt from the fridge before sitting down with a book. Brow furrowed, he recalled that day – he'd been reading the technical manual for the computer systems used by employees and memorizing the strings of code involved. Dumbfounded, he watched as the lunatic doctor walked in, calmly took the toaster and unplugged it while tucking it under his arm. The loon walked behind Edd, stopped momentarily behind him to lift a single hair off the intern's shirt then left the room. Jarvis cut to another screen wherein Edd was talking with the man.

"I remember that..." He muttered, recalling his conversation as it unfolded on the screen. He'd been on his way to see Tony when the doctor had stopped him and asked him questions involving the affects of stress on language and decision making. It had seemed so innocent an interaction he hadn't remembered it until now.

"Jarvis, can you get Tony down here... sooner rather than later please." He swiped a finger across the screen, minimizing the feed and glanced again through the list of complaints Jarvis had been able to discern as related. Muttering under his breath, Double D skimmed through them, utilizing his ability to read 150,000 words a minute he was able to take them all in the time Tony strode into the room.

"What is all this about? I wanted the bio department and Jarvis insisted I stop here first. Edd, buddy, I know you're lonley and I'm sure Rogers didn't give you the sort of company you wanted but I'm not going to give you a hug and make it all better," The billionaire glanced about the work room. Edd had projected the various aspects of the stranger lurking in the building into groupings using Tony's hologram system, trying to assemble a time line and was effectively building a diagram that took up his entire office. A blush speckled his face before Edd rolled his eyes and, dragging an image off the main screen, Edd 'threw' the file into the allocated space then flicked it and with that motion a life-size hologram of a crazed red-headed German man in nothing but pants bounced to life- eyes wide with a spark of insanity and a drill hoisted into the air. Tony perked a brow.

"He's cute, but doesn't seem your type." The coy grin that spread across Starks face pushed Edd past embarrassed and into annoyance. He was still nervous about people knowing his ... tastes and someone such as Tony Stark knowing his secret made him fret.

"He lives in this building." Edd growled, summoning the video feed that was still playing and pulling it to a larger size. The current footage was showing the man slipping tiny piglet into his pocket before exiting the bio-chemical department. Stark nodded.

"Yea, Krieger, he helped me with an algorithm last month that I'd been stuck on for days. What about him?"

"He doesn't work here."

There was a long pause as Tony's brow furrowed.

"Sure he does, he has a pass-" Edd pulled another image forward, a close up of the badge the man, Krieger, often wore. It was a badge to an anime convention five years prior with a tiny image of himself taped to it. Double D faced his boss with a flat stare.

"He abducts people, drugs them, follows them around to record the affects then places them where he got them. He steals animals from our research department, usually babies in a litter of more than four so as not to be missed, and mutates them." He flicked a finger and a long line of images trotted themselves past Stark's face bearing visages of animals that no longer resembled anything real. "And, he's been messing with Jarvis."

"It's true sir. This man has attempted to upload his program into my system on several occasions."

Stark looked incredibly doubtful, one arm folded across his chest while the other lazily pulled more images and files past.

"What pogram?"

"...his... wife, sir." Jarvis sounded queezy, as though the subject was uncomfortable. Double D nodded and wiggle a finger at a smaller file towards the back of the lot. A small hologram of an anime girl in a short skirted wedding dress strode forward.

"Where is Krieger-san?" Her tiny words were clipped, as though spoken with an accent and her big eyes stared up at Tony with innocent confusion. Stark's brow lowered in something akin to concentration.

"Now that's just creepy." The billionaire blinked, as though still trying to process what he was seeing.

"Tell me about it." Double D muttered darkly before turning to Tony with a lofted brow as he absentmindedly tugged at his lab coat sleeve.

"What do we do?" The simple question seemed to hang in the air for a moment, tickling at Stark's mind before settling in.

"Well..." Tony continued to watch the video feed of people being abducted and subsequently freed. Of those, he silently pulled up their employee files by highlighting their faces and dragging their images to a search space to look for any recent medical or psychological damage that may have been reported.

"He doesn't seem to be harming anyone. I don't see why he should be bothered..."

A million responses, scenarios and catastrophes spun through Edd's mind in an instant. Of all the things that could go wrong, of all the horrible reasons that man should be put down, of all the things he wanted to scream at that moment, the noise that won out was a strangled- "Unnh?"

"Well, he's helped Professor U down in genetics on multiple occasions, Blossom seems to confer with him from time to time on logical scenarios concerning the reactions of certain genes to different exposures... though now that I think about it that's probably part of this one..." He branched into a speeding train of thought as he pulled up footage of a mutant turtle being tied to a skateboard. "High speeds and basic reasoning skills..." he mused off, looking into other scenes of the madman setting up all sorts of experiments.

"Yes. I think he should stay."

All Edd could do was replicate the choking noise vaguely resembling the onomatopoeia of a question mark. He gestured wildly with widespread hands, fingers wiggling frantically as he rushed into a series of concerned noises and loosely strung together words. His lack of diction was largely due to his overall exasperation with Stark coupled with the fear of being experimented on and the knowledge of the lawsuits that could come from this whole thing. Tony pretended to listen, rubbing his gotee while nodding and "uh-huh"ing.

"Well, I see your point... or well, most of it anyway." He turned away and with one sweeping gesture, gathered everything on Krieger and stuffed it into a file which he then tossed into a "bin" that would save it to the hard drive in his home office.

"I'll call some people, we'll make sure he's not capable of... well, mass genocide or murder or what have you, and if he checks out we'll leave him be." Tony turned to Edgar, a smug look melting over his features. Not melting- Edd thought – Smug was his default setting.

"You're the boss." Edd muttered, pulling at the collar of his lime green shirt, trying to force it into playing nice with the collar of his lab coat. His boss grinned.

"That's right, now get back to work! CLIT won't install itself you know!" With that, the mad billionaire waltzed out of Edd's office, leaving the intern glaring after him.


	6. Chapter 6

_So this whole thing is what happens when you start a role play about the 'cartoon fiction world' and the 'fables' world colliding, scratch the role play and decide to write a fanfiction of it, then scratch the fables side of things and decide to just ship Edd and a character from the BAU off Criminals Minds because that would be sexy. Now that we're well into the story, I thought I'd come clean about that. It will form some sort of plot at some point but I am having fun with it for now, and taking suggestions from my wife for the story's progression (part of how it got here, in fact). So far, characters I've thrown in here are as such:_

_Tony Stark (Iron Man), Bruce Banner(Hulk) , Steve Rogers(Cap. America), Edd and Mae Kanker (Ed, Edd and Eddy), Blossom and Prof. Utonium (Power Puff Girls), Sterling Archer and Dr. Kreiger (Archer), the BAU (Criminal Minds) and made mention of several other smaller characters from various different shows. Since there isn't a 'multiple crossover' function, I thought I'd just throw this up here for those who are wondering. _

_I would make mention that I own none of these but I hope that's obvious. _

_Enjoy :) _

"So let me get this straight." The dark skinned profiler folded his arms, brow lowering as he squared off in front of Tony. "This guy is abducting people, injecting them with god knows what, forcing them to be a part of his experiments, stealing from your company, living off-grid within your building – without your knowledge – hacking into your system trying to upload a computer program that is his Japanese animation 'wife' that doesn't even sort of appear to be post pubescent, altering Jarvis' cameras and video feed to keep his 'base of operations' off your cameras and you want to know if he's a danger?" Agent Morgan threw his arms up, exasperated. "What defines 'danger' for you, Stark? Making explosives capable of destroying the whole city?"  
"Actually, I do that anyways so- no. But, uh, murdering my employees would be... bad." The billionaire seemed hardly concerned with the angry black man staring him down and instead was content to continue his appraisal of the blond liaison who was currently speaking with a few scientists who had come in to be interviewed. "And, you said she is married?" Tony pointed at JJ, a pout forming on his face. Morgan's look intensified.  
"Yes. Happily. With a kid too." His voice was dangerously low.  
"Pity." Tony turned away again and seemed to notice- as though for the first time- Agent Prentice standing next to the tall scrawny looking doctor. "Well, hello."  
Double D, sitting at a table beside his boss, rolled his eyes. It never ceased to amaze him how quickly Stark got over any set back and launched himself into a new project. He shifted the papers on the conference table, sorting the incident reports according to date and offense as had been requested by one Dr. Reid.  
"Hotch, are we seriously helping this guy? I'm not so sure we shouldn't be profiling Stark here." Derek Morgan folded his arms again, glaring at Stark who pretended not to notice as he complimented Prentice's hair. DD snorted and muttered under his breath. The Behavioral Analysis Unit chief, Aaron Hotchner sighed.  
"Yes, Tony called in a few favors and has requested we help him with this." His soothing tone gave mention the fact that he was accustomed to dealing with exasperating people like Stark. Edgar glanced up, taking each of the unit members into stock. They all seemed very close, and worked quickly. They had come less than an hour ago, informed of the situation and started making requests for certain information, people to talk to and a space to set up. Double D's office had been turned into a base of operations. When he asked Tony why they didn't just use a conference room down the hall his boss had explained the view from Edgar's window was better. Double D has his suspicions that his annoyance was a larger factor than the cityscape.  
"Here's all the information you asked for, organized as such." Edgar calmly stood, gesturing to the papers on the table. Reid sidestepped Prentice and leaned over the table, peering at the neatly stacked print outs with a scientists' curiosity.  
"You got that done fast," The young doctor said, though his mind was clearly launching into other ventures and the comment seemed mostly off hand. The expression of intense concentration that crossed the young doctor's face was striking. And the way his hair was styled- brushing the brim of his shoulders with most of it pulled into a loose pony tail- was incredibly attractive. His black vest buttoned over a white shirt was also enough to give DD pause. The whole man tied together to form a beautiful example of how all men should look. Edgar wistfully wished everyone would dress like that. Edd shrugged.  
"I already have most of it memorized so it was just a matter of putting them in the stacks." He moved aside, glancing from Reid to an older man leaning over his work desk.  
"Oh, p-please don't touch that!" He squeaked, rushing over to the dark haired man just as his hand hovered above the ear piece for the CLIT prototype. Agent Rossi looked up, his confusion apparent.  
"Sorry," He put his hands up as though to insure he meant no harm, taking a deliberate step away from the bench. Edd shook his head and turned back to Hotchner as he addressed Tony.  
"Mr. Stark, we do need your attention on this, at least for right now." The agent's calm demeanor was strangely commanding though Edd couldn't decide why. He was accustomed to alphas being loud and obnoxious and to see one so quiet yet so obviously in charge was disarming. Tony glanced back over.  
"Right. You were saying?" The raised eyebrows on Tony's face spoke volumes, the condescending expression as though to ask why he was being bothered reminded Edd why he usually hated geniuses.  
"Our technical analyst has requested to come here to set up directly, she'll be here any minute and she will start helping you locate the channels Kreiger is using to infiltrate Jarvis."  
"Requested? Garcia begged to be here, I'm fairly certain she offered you her first born child. Apparently Jarvis is something special," Agent Prentice laughed, though it was clear she didn't understand her friend's desire to come all the way just for a computer. Jarvis rang out over them.  
"I'll have as much data as I can ready for her, she can use the access port in Edgar's desktop." Prentice and Rossi looked up and around, brows furrowed. Reid glanced up from the papers, a smile tugging at his lips, his hands grasped at each other across his chest.  
"Jarvis is one of the most sophisticated artificial intelligence programs to date, not to mention the coolest thing since Siri, or at least that's what Garcia tells me." He turned to Tony, a boyish grin lighting up his face. "I've read a lot about the advances in technology Stark Industries has recently been making, and that your style of virtual data will soon be available to the public." Edd noted that Stark looked bored and waved a hand.  
"Uhh, no. My technology stays in house, but I have been thinking of selling Jarvis' voice to certain companies for kicks."  
"Greetings my crime fighting fellows and esteemed Avengers alike!" Penelope Garcia waltzed in, heels clicking and wheeling her suitcase behind her with a grin lighting up her face the likes of which Edd imagined had been on his when he first came to the tower. He gave her a sympathetic smile, remembering how excited he had been to come here and even more so to meet Tony Stark himself. In just a few short weeks that had been taken away. He still loved working at the tower but it had lost it's luster rather quickly. The woman stalked right up to Tony and held out a hand. Edd also noted that this woman was dripping with enthusiasm, not only was she color-coordinated to match Iron Man's colors her voice couldn't seem to keep still.  
"Mr. Stark it is an honor to meet you, I am such a huge fan of your work with artificial intelligence and, you know, bad ass suits of armor, huge advances in weaponry and super ridiculously sexy computer voices... " She looked so blissfully content to be shaking Tony's hand. Content might not be the best word, Edd though to himself, more like weak in the knees.  
"Uhhh, right. Garcia? Was it?" Tony gentle extracted his hand from hers and gave her his awkward 'dealing with fans' smile. "Let me get you set up with Jarvis' access codes so you can help me find Kreiger."  
"Actually sir, I don't really need that. Jarvis has agreed to help me already." Garcia smiled at him and went to set up at Edgar's desk. Tony looked confused for a moment and looked upward in Jarvis' general direction.  
"Care to explain, pal?"  
"...She asked nicely, sir." At Jarvis' sheepish reply Edd burst into laughter. Tony dropped his face into his hand.  
"So that's all it takes to break into my system... Jarvis is this how Krieger got in?" Tony's raised voice was akin to a parent scolding his child. Edd laughed a bit harder, leaning onto the table. Tony glared over at Double D.  
"No, sir. Though he did try that at first. He got really angry when I denied him access at which point he..."  
After it became apparent the story didn't continue from there, Tony glanced at Edd who had finally stopped talking.  
"Yea, it seems there is section of Jarvis' memory that was disrupted. I ran into that problem when I was trying to help Jarvis gather the information we have on him. It seems like he has just removed sections of Jarvis' memory that might point to where he stays or how he gets into the system."  
"Ms. Garcia asked nicely and I was prepared to help her anyway, sir. Granting her access without the guest codes just seemed an easier path." The computer continued. Stark went silent for a moment then tossed his hands up.  
"Whatever, Jarvis, you know where to find me if the BAU needs me at all. Otherwise," He turned to the room and then pointed at Edgar. "If you need anything at all, Edgar here will be more than happy to help you out. Think of him as me in the absence of me... except, you know, less handsome and he mutters to himself- no seriously listen to him, it's hilarious." With that, the billionaire turned on his heel and left. Edd shook his head, mumbling under his breath something along the lines of if rapier wit was lethal Stark would be on death row. Beside him, Agent Prentice laughed warmly.  
"Seriously, the narcissism is dripping off him, it's nauseating." Her tone was annoyed but Edgar sensed she was more amused than anything. He glanced at Dr. Reid who was pulling a white board across the room. Edd, slightly confused as to where the white board had come from, tilted his head. A small smile came across his face as he noticed Reid had two different socks on.  
"What are you up to, Doctor?"  
"Geographic Profile. I'm going to plot his movements across the building, see if we can find a comfort zone where he is more likely to frequent or even locate his bases, maybe he's left something there that will tell us who he is and where he might go next." Edd found himself intrigued by the formal yet personal tone of the young man, his speech pattern was strangely alluring. Not to mention the fact he seemed intelligent.  
"That makes sense but..." Edd held up a finger to ask for a moment of time and moved to the empty part of the room where the three dimensional data interface was located. "Jarvis get me the plans for the building please." A model for the building appeared before him, glowing faintly blue. Behind him, Garcia squealed with unconstrained delight and Edd could hear her scurrying over in a flurry of movement. She came to stand next to him, her hand bejeweled with rings and bracelets clutching at his arm.  
"Oh my angel of sweet technological advances, this is why I wanted to come here!" She stepped forward, face lit up like a child seeing a dinosaur in real life. Edd flashed her a friendly smile, remembering how excited he had been upon seeing it up close for the first time, even now he still had to contain his little joyous dance upon seeing the 3-D models and data flow in real space. He glanced over his shoulder at Spencer Reid, only to find the man giving him a wounded look. Edd grinned, recognizing a technophobe.  
"Just wait, Dr. Reid." He said soothingly, turning back to the model. "Jarvis, can we scale this to white-board simulations, lets say eight foot by five feet, blueprints of all areas with reported sightings of Kreiger." The model grew in size then separated into floor-by-floor sections which rotated vertically then flattened into rectangles that vaguely resembled virtual white boards. Having worked with many people all throughout his life that did not like technology and in fact preferred old-school methods of data transfer, Edgar was accustomed to seeing to the needs of such learned people. He turned back to Spencer who no longer looked as though he was being led into a dark wood on a stormy night and more like a child shown a glimpse of something sweet- hopeful yet confused. Edd smiled at the tilt of the man's head, finding it to be cute.  
Crossing to the table, Edd picked up one of the first piles of papers and brought it over to a corresponding white board simulation.  
"Video surveillance puts Kreiger here," He touched the board with his index finger and a small orange dot appeared. "At ten fifty six am on Tuesday the fifth of June," His words were dictated and appeared in hand-script text (his own hand writing, in fact) above the newly formed dot. He turned over his shoulder. "One day after the cameras were first set up, by the way," He grinned at Reid and gestured for the young doctor to join him. Spencer came over and looked from the papers held out to him to the boards. Without taking the papers he pressed a finger to the board a few rooms over from the first dot.  
"And he was seen again here two days later at eleven thirty pm," A boyish expression of delight formed across Reid's face as his words were also dictated in Edd's handwriting above his dot. "This is kinda fun," He said sheepishly to Edd. Edgar smiled at him, suddenly aware of how close the two were standing. While he wasn't upset by the close proximity, years of conditioning told him to step away. He handed the papers to Reid, who just shook his head and gave a short breathy laugh.  
"I don't need those, but thank you." He turned back to the board and set to marking all the known whereabouts of Kreiger. Edd crossed back to the other members of the team, giggling at Garcia's continued excitement as she gushed to Spencer about the technical aspect of the program.  
Hotch was looking over some of the files still on the table with a thoughtful frown.  
"We need to know what his experiments are trying to accomplish, if he's attempting to weaponize something we might have a problem but if it's simply boredom he might not be a threat." Edd's brow furrowed.  
"How could he not be a threat?"  
Prentice glanced up and turned to explain. "If he is trying to create weapons, with the intent to harm, he is a threat. If he is conducting experiments without an end game he isn't as much of a threat. Granted, if he is a psychopath - regardless of his end game- he is a threat as killing won't be an issue for him." Edd nodded and turned to Hotch again.  
"What do you need from me?"  
Hotch seemed ready for the question.  
"We need you to call meetings for each department, so we can give them the profile we have worked up and ask for those who know anything to come forward- anyone who's talked with him, seen him so we can see what they can tell us about him- and we will give instructions on what to do if anyone sees him in the future." Edd nodded.  
"Jarvis, did you get all that?"  
"Yes sir. Your department is being summoned to the conference room down the hall, all other departments are being set up for meetings every other hour for the rest of the day."  
Edd turned back to Hotch, and now Rossi as the older man had crossed the room to stand next to his chief.  
"I don't know how I feel about all this tech stuff," Rossi's gravely voice. Edgar laughed.  
"It's not so scary. It's very helpful and the best part is I could, if I so chose, still call everyone personally, or use the PA system to call the meetings. I'm just lazy." He grinned at the older men, pulling off his lab coat and hanging it on the back of his chair, taking care to lay it perfectly across the back, folding the collar over to keep it from getting wrinkled. Behind him, Rossi and Hotch glanced at each other with small knowing smiles. They had been observing the boy, not pointedly but passively as profilers were wont to. His compulsions were amusing if anything, as everything in his office was labeled and put precisely in place- even the boy's hair was combed through with gel as if to attempt to keep every strand in place exactly as he wanted it to be. Derek Morgan was still frowning at the doorway. Edd saw this and laughed again.  
"You get used to it, after a while. He's obnoxious but harmless really." Agent Morgan glanced over his shoulder at Double D and shook his head before walking away. Hotch gave Edd a patient smile.  
"You have to realize that most of the people we see that have Tony's level of narcissism are hiding homicidal tendencies. His need to be in control, and have power in any situation generally leads down a path of organized killing. Though, Tony is a sociopath so it's not as likely to happen. If he were a psychopath..." He trailed off, leaving the sentence unfinished. Edd grimaced. If his boss had been a psychopath, with his resources and skills they would never find the bodies to even try to put a case against him. The thought was haunting. Edd nodded in understanding.  
"Well, lets get to the meeting then." Edd gestured to the hall. Rossi, Hotch, Morgan and Prentice all funneled out into the hallway and followed Edd as he led them down to the conference room.


	7. Chapter 7

"Excuse me, but isn't he psychopath? He's, like, crazy- right?" Her voice was enough to grate on Edd's nerves, causing him to wonder how he was ever attracted to her. Blossom was pretty, sure, but if it wasn't directly related to bio-anything or sports she was an airhead. It was the fifth meeting of the day and with the astounding amounts of people who came forward to talk about the not-so-mystery man, Kreiger, the BAU had come to the conclusion that he was a sociopath, not a psychopath. Edd, sitting with one leg crossed over the other (a rather feminine pose he could never seem to stop himself from doing while reading the paper) folded to the next page in his magazine, without looking up he cleared his throat and launched into a lecture of the difference.

"Actually, a sociopath is a person with a form of ASPD or Anti-Social Personality Disorder that has developed based on their environment and, or their surroundings, whereas psychopaths are born with ASPD. Sociopaths are like psychopaths in the sense that they are incapable of feeling empathy, guilt, and remorse. Unlike psychopaths, they aren't as capable of feigning emotions, and are unable to maintain social relationships and hold down a steady job. The chances of them feeling love for somebody else is also more likely than the odds of a psychopath feeling love for somebody else, although this is possible in both cases. Sociopathic serial killers are extremely disorganized and are much easier to catch than psychopathic serial killers, who are obsessively organized. Sociopaths are extremely prone to violent bursts of anger and cannot appear to be normal while psychopaths can keep their anger bottled up for excessive amounts of time and are masters at the art of deception. Sociopaths also differ from psychopaths in the sense that the former cannot plan ahead while the latter is a master at planning ahead."

He glanced up at Blossom who had fixated him with one the most evil of glares she could muster. He smirked at her, a goofy expression that spoke of smugness but looked just plain silly.  
"Because he doesn't seem to have much of an end-game nor is he able to maintain any sort of normalcy for any period of time. Namely, he cannot seem normal. Everyone who has spoken with him stated he was twitchy - which could be due to drugs, it's impossible to tell- and they all said he didn't seem /right/ which most often is due to a sociopath's inability to show emotions that adequately mimic normal behavior. Also because he is not organized enough to constitute being a psychopath, the lengths he takes to keep himself hidden is actually more likely to be a form of paranoia grown from his past -whatever that might be- rather than any foresight of keeping himself hidden from Tony specifically. Habit versus thought out plan." He played the goofy smile across his face for a moment longer, savoring her irritation before looking back to his magazine. Blossom was one of the few people he could annoy, and as such he took satisfaction in the feeling of inflicting the same sort of bullying that was used on himself regularly.

At the front of the room, a few tables away Derek lofted a brow. He was sitting on the edge of the table, arms crossed over his chest as he leaned back a bit. The dark skinned profiler glanced at Reid who had joined them this meeting, having finished his geographic profile.

The young doctor was now looking at Edd with a renewed interest. The strange young department head had seemed jumpy, and even mediocre in knowledge when they'd first arrived. He seemed like no more than Tony's puppet. But he had just quoted, verbatim the definition of a sociopath off their website - the article which Reid himself had dictated to Garcia. Derek gave Spencer a sidelong glance.

"That sounds like something you would say." He said, mildly astounded. He of course was referring to the diction and wording but also the smart-ass way it was conveyed - a sort of too smart for his own good but innocently meant tone. Reid's brow drew lower as he tilted his head in curiosity.

"It is something I said...well, wrote." The surprise in his words was obvious and Agent Morgan laughed then flashed a devious grin. Beside them Hotch and Prentice continued the profile delivery but Derek leaned over and flicked Reid's shoulder playfully.

"You should get his number, you could use someone as intelligent as yourself."

Spencer gave him a questioning look. "For what?"

"You know... company." Morgan raised his eyebrows suggestively but shrugged as if to dismiss the innuendo. Reid looked more confused by this but didn't answer and instead went back to looking curiously at Edd.

As he had been doing for most of the meeting, Edgar found himself wanting to glance up at Reid. During the past few meetings he'd looked up as much information on the man as he could, as well as read through the website the BAU was running to get common knowledge to the people. He guessed Reid was the one who wrote most of the articles, and hoped the doctor would be impressed not only by his recitation but also the fact that he had figured it out himself- not from being told by the team. There was something simple and thrilling about finding some one else that is intelligent and Edd couldn't help but be drawn to the strange man.

"Now that you have the profile and you know what we're looking for please come forward with any information you might have regarding this man." Hotch wrapped up the meeting with the awkward, stiff smile he had and gestured to his team. A few of the people in the room stood and milled about, turning the conversation to various aspects of what had just been talked about. Blossom stood and stalked over to Edgar. She leaned in close, her red hair brushing against his face making him twitch.

"Just because you are head of the department, doesn't mean you're anything more than an intern. Never talk to me like I'm an idiot again." The anger in her voice was not so dangerous, but more akin to a frustrated girl who didn't make prom queen. He could feel ear gathering frost under her icy breath and chuckled slightly to himself.

"Well, we can't all have Daddy to give us a hand up, some of us have to earn it you know." Edd's heart fluttered. He had grown something of a back bone over the years between Mae urging him to stand up for himself and bullies in college - not to mention his boss - but saying such bold comments with confidence was incredibly difficult. It went against much of who he thought he was, but something about her anger just made him want to make her even more angry. She huffed out, coating the side of his face in ice before stalking away, her heels rhythmically clicking out annoyance as she left.

Double D blinked for a moment and laughed nervously, scratching at his face and watching icy chips flake onto the magazine in his lap. He looked up and saw that while Blossom had been threatening him, Reid had made his way across the room to sit across the table. The doctor's face was drawn into confusion.

"Is that, ice on your cheek?" He leaned closer to inspect. Edd laughed and nodded.

"Blossom is an... interesting woman..." Edd's voice squeaked, much to his annoyance. Reid seemed not to take notice of Edd's change in voice.

"Ah. Yes, well interesting is a good word I suppose. You seem to pick up on things quickly," Reid said calmly, giving Edd a warm yet somehow shy smile. Double D nodded again and gave a short laugh.

"I learned French in three days, and memorized the bible the first time I read through it. I pick up on things quickly, yes you could say that, and so do you from what I understand." Edd tried his best to put on a calmer smile, not wanting to seem too excited. It was pleasurable speaking with someone as intelligent as himself without that person being an asshole. It was rare to say the least. Reid's smile tugged at the corner of his lips.

"You did your research."

Edd shrugged and grinned at the doctor. "Garcia is not the only one who can pull up information." Instantly, Double D wanted to slap himself. He wasn't sure what was going on but the words coming from his mouth seemed not his own. He blamed Tony. The billionaire playboy was rubbing off on him. A part of him was appealed by the blatant flirting he was exhibiting. A larger part of him reasoned that the BAU would be leaving after their assessment and therefore he had nothing to lose. Reid gave him another smile, one that made it impossible for Edd to not return it. Reaching across the table, Dr. Reid slid a card across the table.

"I, uh, was wanting to give you this, in case you can think of anything else... or, you know, if you want to know more about what we do. You seem interested in our work."

Edgar took the card and turned it over in his hands. Reid flashed him a reassuring look, his brow quirking upward. "I also teach a class from time to time, maybe you'd like to sit in on one."

Edd grinned and slipped the card into his shirt pocket.

"I'd like that."

Boisterous laughter erupted from the hallway, making Edd twitch. He'd come to know that laughter as none other than Sterling Archer, the obnoxious 'super spy' who insisted on telling everyone he was in fact the world's most deadly spy. In Edd's opinion a spy should be more quiet about his profession but after some digging he found the self-serving claims were actually true. Though it was still hard to imagine the consistently drunk, loud mouthed narcissist being anything but annoying... although it explained Stark's friendship with him.

Tony and Archer rounded the corner, Archer supporting himself on Stark's shoulder as he continued to laugh, sputtering words in between the peals.

"Guys, you can go home. Great job, good work. Pack it up." Stark waved a hand at the BAU members, dismissing them with a gesture. Morgan, who had continued to get his feathers ruffled all day from the playboy billionaire, stood with a darkened expression.

"Now hold on, what do you mean 'go home'?" The profiler's voice was a dangerous tone. Tony looked at him as though he should have already received an email explaining the situation.

"The man in question is one Dr. Algernop Kreiger, who was the only research scientist for ISIS, and if I am to believe what Archer is telling me - a clone of Adolf Hiter... which I suppose explains some things. However-"

"Whoa, what?" Edd stood abruptly, flailing his arms. "So we're going to just let a clone of the most notorious psychopath of the modern age just roam about our building abducting people and experimenting on them?" His voice squeaked but he continued ranting. "Stark I know you're nonchalant about a lot of things that should incur some sort of panic but this is ridiculous!" Tony looked at Double D as if seeing him for the first time- a reaction that always followed the quiet intern's outbursts in pique frustration which usually only made Edd even more upset. The billionaire looked blankly at his employee then turned to Archer who was laughing hysterically.

"Kreiger's harmless! I mean sure, don't take his breath strips and I don't want to know what he does with the hair samples he collects but really," Archer managed to choke out among his chuckles. Tony held out a hand as though offering archer as evidence.

"See? No harm done. The doctor stays." Tony said as if solving a fight among children with the most obvious solution. Archer slapped Stark's shoulder.

"Though he's not that kind of doctor." He pointed out.

"Not even the other kind..." A voice chimed in from behind the men, they moved aside to reveal the infamous Dr. Kreiger standing in the door way with a small piglet under one arm and a bag of pork rinds looking confused, as though he wasn't expecting so many people to be in the room. Edd made a squealing noise like frustration incarnate and used both hands to indicate the madman.

"Where did you get that pig?" He asked, frantic. The piglet looked normal, wiggling contentedly in the man's arm. Kreiger looked at the piglet then back at Edd.

"Pigly Five? He's a product of Pigly Three... poor pigly... he's grieving right now, thought I'd grab him some ice cream."

"You're the one taking my ice cream!" A shrill voice whined, followed by a stamping foot. a small blonde rushed forward, the pout on her lips was adorable if not a little out of place on a grown woman. Her small blue dress was a shocking streak of color as she advanced on Kreiger. "What what are you doing with that piglet? Why do you have those pork rinds so close to him? Don't you know what pork rinds are?!" She snatched the tiny pig from Kreiger, clutching the small thing to her chest and murmuring to it. Edd felt his anger dissipate. Bubbles was entirely too adorable to be angry around, her innocent attitude was always enough to suck the rage right out of him. She had been a good friend all through high school and he'd tutored her in math and science when she'd been too afraid to ask her sisters for help. After Professor Untonium landed a job with Tony Stark Bubbles had been taken on to care for the animals used in the biology department in the tower. Kreiger looked at her with a furrowed brow.

"Pig?" He asked, looking even more confused.

"Yes! Why would you have that so close to him? Pigs are intelligent you know! And where did you get him anyway? He is too little to be away from his mother! Where is his mother? Where did you find him and why isn't his mother with him?" She gasped and pulled the piglet closer to her chest, not noticing the small thing's contended sigh as it nuzzled closer to her chest. Edd, however, did notice the rather human reaction to being nearly submerged in cleavage as it seemed so out of place for an animal to do. Bubbles glared at Kreiger. "You stole those piglets from the lab! You monster! Gloria was so upset when her piglets disappeared! And the ocelots! You took one of them too didn't you!?" She had a horrified look on her face as she started to cry. Kreiger looked from Bubbles to Archer and back to Bubbles.

"...yes?" Kreiger had the demeanor of a student answering a question with uncertainty and fear of penalty. Edd mumbled something under his breath and stepped in.

"Bubbles, let me see the baby pig..." He said calmly, holding out a hand for the small creature. Bubbles looked at him with tear rimmed eyes and reluctantly pulled the thing from her chest. The moment she tried to move it away from her, it squealed and started squirming, trying to get back. Edd's eyes narrowed and he snatched the writhing, noisy animal and lifted it to face him, looking into it's shockingly blue eyes. For a time the two of them stared at each other, the pig finally calmed down and looked back with a level of intelligence Edd had never seen in an animal. Edd looked at the thing accusingly then back at Kreiger.

"What did you do to it?" He asked with all the calm he could muster. Kreiger blinked for a moment.

"Raised it's intelligence levels, spliced it's DNA with some of... someone's... giving it human qualities as well as a wider range of human emotions and some mechanical parts allowing it to convey said new emotions." The response was nonchalant and devoid of emotion, as though reading a recipe. Edd looked back and the piglet and was only mildly surprised to see it glaring back at him.

"Do you mind, buddy? I was kinda enjoying myself back there." The voice was that of a large black man, which in itself was unsettling let alone coming from the mouth of a pig added to the fact that there was no jaw movement associated with forming the words, the piglet opened it's mouth and the words came from it's throat. Edd stared at the creature for a moment while all those around him broke out into shrieks of horror (from the non-scientist employees) comments of wonder (from the scientists) and the startled squeal of horror from Bubbles. After a long sigh and a grumble under his breath, Edgar dropped the piglet onto the table and walked away, growling under his breath.


End file.
